Sex is a weapon and should not be toyed with. Not in the way this disturbing wave of gay twenty-somethings are treating HIV – as though it’s nothing more than a bout of flu (I’ll touch more on this in a later edition) – but when it’s used as a game. I’m guilty of it as much as the next person, so I really am due no sympathy for it being used against me. Or am I?
It turns out the ‘reason’ my ex logged on to Gaydar so soon after the break up was to intentionally hurt me. It was a deliberate attempt to gain back control of the situation and put two fingers up at me for seemingly giving the impression that I was over it and going about my daily affairs (literally) unhurt and unscathed.
Break-ups often become a game of chess with things said or done out of insecurity and malice for effect. You consciously act or react to the opponent’s last move with the intent of taking them down. You forget the bigger picture and piece by piece, the game goes on with no end in sight.
My issue, perhaps an issue I need to look at closer, is that I felt able to move on in a sexual sense before I saw he’d ‘beat me’ to Gaydar. That move, on this chess board of a break-up, disabled me very effectively and for a while I struggled to come up with a proportionate response.
I find that in a community where promiscuity is particularly high, we (gay men) often validate ourselves though sex, mistaking or using it as a replacement for love. It’s an effective way of getting short-term gratification, affection and approval when it lacks so heavily in our relationships with others. Of course it depends on how much importance you place on sex, but if like me you have a particularly high sex drive, fulfilling that need, whether it’s with one or multiple partners, probably keeps you happy.
After taking a step back I’ve re-emerged as a wiser man, realising that at the end of every game there’s always a loser. When emotions this deep are involved, sometimes the winner can end up very unhappy and remorseful, too. So I’ve brought the game to a quiet halt. I never wanted to play it in the first place. My intentions were never to hurt him; I wouldn’t deliberately cause someone I love that sort of suffering. I even told him, whilst shivering with shock, that he should put some new photos on his profile because the old ones don’t do him justice.
Perhaps one could interpret that as a clever move of mine, totally intended to confuse him while I plan the next one – a red herring – but it wasn’t. If anything, it was a white flag, a subliminal message that I’m tired of this, that I love and want the best for him, that I’m dying to make up and have amazing sex again, that I want us to be friends and if nothing else, bring this to an end.
There is still no end in sight. Maybe deep down I don’t want to see the end of this, but whatever happens, I can’t allow him to keep using sex as a threat – I don’t deserve it.
I’m on Gaydar to fulfil a need. He’s on there to stop me.