That’s it. The penny’s dropped, along with my heart to the pit of my stomach. And it aches. I didn’t expect it would have this effect on me, but I’m shocked, saddened and almost numb. It’s been a week since the fifth and final break up and I ‘just’ remembered Gaydar exists. So before logging in and changing my profile status to ‘single’, I venture to my freshest ex’s profile to find he ‘last logged in’ today, for the first time since we met 14 months ago.
I’ve been lucky enough to find two of my long-term partners on this dating-cum-social networking site, consecutively! I spent the most influential six years of my life with the first; he’s my soul mate and will always be my best friend. The latest, possibly a rebound, was the first man I took to my place of birth on the island of Madeira to introduce as my partner to my entire family.
I gave my little sister away at the altar on the same holiday. Listening to her translate the vows the priest spoke to her husband brought tears to my eyes. The words seemed to have so much more impact in my native language. It was then I decided I wanted to marry my newfound love.
But it’s over. We both knew it couldn’t work and decided to go our separate ways for the sake of avoiding resentment and keeping a friendship. Of course, it wasn’t that simple and straightforward. It was a bitter and angry break up. We said some horrible things to each other, launched character-assassinating tirades at one another, and eventually exhausted ourselves before mutating into civilised human beings again. Why then was it so hurtful to see he was ‘back on the market’ by the date stamp on his Gaydar profile? What is it about Gaydar that made it so ‘official’ the relationship was well and truly over?
Perhaps it was because he beat me to it. Not beat me to Gaydar, but to giving a public impression he was over it and ready to move on, which only strengthened my argument that I loved him more than I felt he loved me. It wouldn’t have had the same effect if I’d seen his relationship status changed on Facebook, but then Facebook isn’t a sexually-driven social networking site, and this is where I found the answer.
I’ve concluded that there are only two types of monogamous relationship. There is the ‘exciting and sexual’ relationship, and the ‘emotional and stable’ type. And never the twain shall meet. This is not to say that there is no emotion in a sexual relationship, or likewise, that emotional relationships are sex-less. Just that my experience (and I’ve had a lot of it for my age), has led me to believe that emotional relationships will outlast highly sexual ones.
The element of monogamy in what’s been one of my most sexual relationships to date is what crushed me in this break up. It’s the ultimate betrayal, and the more sexual the relationship, the more hurtful the idea of your partner sharing that intimacy with another person. That’s where Gaydar comes in – after the dramatic break-up of such a sexually volatile relationship, the only thing he’s looking for on Gaydar is sex.
It must be. That’s what I’m doing...
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