Sunday 19 December 2010

A Single Man

Sex is boring, when that’s all it is. But I don’t want a ring around my finger (pardon the pun), so what is the happy middle ground here, and how can you sustain it?

I can’t help but feel that I’ve come prematurely (stop it) to a point I did not foresee happening for quite some time. I thought I’d be quite happy just having regular no-strings sex with a few select people as and when I please, especially after seven years in just two relationships. But I’m bored now and I feel almost uncomfortable with the ‘expectation of sex’ in this sort of arrangement.

It’s somewhat confusing and a bit of a double-edged sword because ultimately, sex is what’s brought us together and I’m really not looking for anything more, until it’s over and one of us leaves. I think it takes a certain kind of mentality to feel content for just having sex, not that there’s anything wrong with it – I thought I could do it, but I don’t think I can now and it’s just not for me.

I was content ‘finding’ regular partners but, and maybe this is just me, they’ve been worthy of so much more and the feeling appears to be mutual. Once we’ve thrown our inhibitions to the curb, along with our clothes, and got past the action, I become nervous and I can’t stop thinking about ‘what next’, as if I didn’t know this was the end of the line. I don’t want to keep feeling that. I don’t want to give a false impression of our potential future and I don’t want to get one either – it’s just sex, please don’t complicate it (I say to myself).

So, I either restrict myself to one-offs and move on, or risk emotional attachment to them. The first option seems safer to me, but takes so much effort – I’m a serial flirt but I only seem to enjoy it when I know it’s not going anywhere; the adrenalin has unwelcome effects on me if I’m not the one chasing and I’ve had to categorise people as either Hunter or Hunted in order to cope!

It’s been an eye-opener. This whole ‘single’ experience has been a very interesting and active one so far. I feel like I’ve gained a lot from it; it’s been the most productive time I’ve had as a single man to date, actually. I do feel validated by it, and if there were no other options I would probably be happy to continue doing it, but I don’t want to.

In a previous edition of this blog I expressed how I felt that sex has nothing to do with love – I still stand by that, but I can’t deny that great sex with someone you love is just so much better. What’s even better, is when you’re totally relaxed in each other’s company in the comfort that there’s no expectation to ‘perform’ – which always means that you do ‘perform’, when it comes to it – and there’s no greater sex than that...

There may not be a happy middle ground when you put random sex versus monogamous relationship in such a black and white contrast, but there is a healthy one – I know what I want and who I want it from, and I don’t want to waste anymore time.

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