Fascinating, how we evolve as lovers. Fascinating, how we place our hearts in another’s hand and trust them to not break it, or at least hope. Fascinating, how one break-up can impact the next...
Like most people, I’ve had my heart broken. Just once, though, and not recently. Looking back, I see a very clear distinction between that heart-break and my other break-ups. Deeply hurtful and disturbing nonetheless, but manageable. I couldn’t eat, sleep or talk; I just cried all the time for a long time. Since then I just find myself wide-eyed, starring at nothing in a comatosed, numb sort of way, until something distracts me.
Filling one’s free time with plenty of distractions is proving quite successful. Realising how much energy the emotional turmoil in the aftermath of a break-up consumes, I’ve somehow managed to distract myself enough to disperse that energy to the rest of my life, and the future.
When making the next move is as painful as not making a move at all it’s easy to become stuck in a self-perpetuating cycle, especially if you’re still in contact with the ex. More often than not, this leads to accumulation of emotional baggage that affects future relationships in a profound way. I therefore find it hugely important to understand the causes of an ex’s behaviour, because for me, this will provide a more solid closure than their answers or excuses for it.
Weirdly enough, I’m now recognising my heart-breaker’s behaviour in myself and although it’s no more forgivable, I’m at peace with myself about the way he treated me – he was a loving and affectionate guy, hard-working and he made me happy. He was the love of my life, but he couldn’t keep his cock in his pants.
I really didn’t see it coming. I was blindly in love with him and would have followed him to the farthest corner of the universe with eyes shut. I trusted him implicitly, and that’s how he broke my heart – I was utterly stunned with shock and pain and I couldn’t comprehend how someone who loves you can betray you in that way when you have an extraordinary active sex life. But I do now.
To me, back then, love and sex were practically the same thing, especially as he was the man responsible for my sexual ‘awakening’. Until he came along I needed to know and trust someone before I could be intimate with them. I had many insecurities and hang-ups about myself. Sex used to be an anxious and silent experience, although enjoyable. With him I lost all inhibitions; developed fetishes and the confidence to admit to them, bought sex toys and had a thoroughly good time. I learnt who I was and what I liked and I’m so very grateful to him for that.
Following my recent break-up, I now know that great sex isn’t enough to hold a relationship together. I also know that the heart-breaker didn’t love me any less just because he was shagging everything with a pulse behind my back – yes, it was callous, disrespectful and extremely hurtful, but it wasn’t nasty and intended to hurt me – he was a sex addict and had other emotional issues. But lastly, and most importantly, I now know that sex has nothing to do with love.
I’m not incapable of keeping my cock in my pants and I’m not a sex addict myself – I know when I’ve got a good thing going and I couldn’t consciously betray a partner in this way and be at ease with it. But great sex is a ‘must’ for me and I make no apologies for it. I will break it off before ‘doing the deed’ elsewhere, but this should not be understood as a lack of love and care for the ex if it happens fairly quickly. Especially when I'm the one that instigated the end of the relationship.
Getting over an old love by getting under a new one will obviously cause more heartbreak for an ex, but it’s got to happen at some point. As hurtful a thought as that is, you must accept it’s got to happen. The hurt for me is not about the intimacy with another, it’s all about the love. Of course, they are very closely linked, but we need to differentiate and separate love from sex in order to move on and avoid further heartache.
With this particular break-up, love has nothing to do with it...
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